Love and Rejection

I had a very poignant dream the other night where, among other things, I'd forgotten my passport and was later surrounded by little girls in fairy costumes. It was one of those dreams where I woke up knowing that there was a lot of important imagery and symbolism. After consulting my dream dictionary I concluded that it was a question of romantic relationships and needing to reconnect with the playful creative side of myself! The dream got under my skin and got me thinking so I followed it up with a conversation with Bruno about my feelings around being loved... I finally vocalised that whilst I feel love for myself (honest not egotistical love), and I feel love for others and the things in this world... I find it tremendously hard to receive love from others.

I suddenly understood more fully the impact of rejection I'd experienced a few years before. At the time it was devastating and then coupled to other emotions I had about not receiving love where I felt it should have been.... Then in a different part of the same conversation I had commented on how it seemed that those experiencing pain, loss and rejection often create or rather exponentially increase the feeling of rejection by their own reactions. So I applied that to my own situation and came to realise what a great indicator rejection is. When the subsequent emotions we feel are inadvertent indicators that we need to go in another direction as we keep generating and developing the unpleasant feelings. It is our own emotional negative magnet for the situation we are in. The closer together you try to push the negative forces the stronger the repel becomes... and the worse the feeling and pain of rejection becomes...

I then thought about it a step further as the key seems to be in the reactions we have towards the rejector, and precisely when we need to be calm and retreat (until we're happy or emotionally stable enough to deal with it) instead more often than not we push into it. I thought about how many times we're told to fight back, starting in the school playground.... what would happen if instead we were taught to step back and observe the situation? To step back just enough so that our emotional state can become more patient, peaceful and understanding of what we're feeling. This does not mean that we allow the other to keep up with their behaviour but merely to move away enough to detach from the situation. Enough to work out what the root cause of the problem actually is. After all, when we react to someone elses behaviour without full recognizing what is going on, we're only fighting with ourselves, its our reaction to the situation that causes the most pain.

I think back to the pain I felt at being dumped by the 'passion' of my life and I realise that I made the whole thing worse. I didn't want the relationship either, but I was blinded by his emotions instead of being awake to my own need to move away from the situation. My attachment to him had gone way above and beyond my own self preservation as at that time I tended to try to please others to get approval rather than do what was best for me. ...admirable it was not, but understandable for a young sociable leo lady.

There is a lot I have to learn about commitment without attachment and loving without need... this is not to say that I will give without receiving! but to chose those who will also give without needing to receive so that the experience is mutual. This search for a more enlightened life is ongoing, and whilst there are many things to work through and work out, the rewards that I see in being able to engage with people in more harmonious ways has already had a number of positive benefits. These include better quality relationships, more patience and understanding, and a clearer head that is no longer filled with other peoples problems just my own observations, thoughts and feelings.