Mumbai Madness

Mumbai is a crazy melting pot; intense, pungent and chaotic with more people lying in the street than I've ever seen. Vibrant colours and loud horns, there is construction, consumerism, starvation and blurred lines everywhere. The excess in bureaucracy in formalities are equally balanced with the lack of it in the informal. There is something for everyone, whether it be gourmet or scraps, the trick is knowing the right price!

The Gateway to India - tourist & tout centra

I found the journey through Mumbai highlighted all the worst parts of myself. After a surprisingly smooth entry from a calm, quiet airport into a taxi ride filled with all the excitement of a new place I arrived at a low quality hotel and reality kicked in. I felt scared, nervous, self conscious, frustrated, agitated and totally distrusting of anyone. Not long after stepping into the streets I became sweaty and smelly with greasy hair and a greasy face, the 30 degree heat became 36 and I was hot but not looking so! Suddenly stereotyped into this white woman who every beggar and seller on the street saw as money, all my outer toughness began to evaporate through pure tiredness of the heat and constant questions. For those who know the Iron Lady in me, here I became soft and pliable, like an infant in new surroundings wanting but not wanting to call its mummy.

The colourful and distinctive cabs!

I came here to learn more about myself, to get greater ‘courage of conviction’ for what I want to do in life as opposed to what I feel like I am supposed to do. Instead in the last few days its like life has shown me a mirror of all the characteristics I had hidden in London; to not only look at but be confronted by elements that I had glossed over or smoothed away with pleasantries, diplomacy and intelligence, a trickery of my own mind on myself. And now I am taken out of the situation where all my social and emotional crutches are, I am forced to deal with them - fears, faults and all – the idealised version I’d like to think I am, of a well seasoned, well adjusted character, does not exist. There are elements of Morocco and Brazil that I see here but it is more intense due to the high numbers of people that seem to be scattered and fitting into every area.

A Hare Krishna Temple

In my tourist adventures over the last few days I have visited, among other things, a Jain temple, the Mosque in the sea, a Shiva temple and a Krishna temple. With all these different faiths and gods I continue to wonder what is it about idolatry or idealised beings that we seem to continue to aspire towards. I question whether it is not enough to deal with, to want to and to work towards, being the best version of ourselves... do we really need something unattainable to show us the path?  I do not think so. 

It got me thinking that while I read books and articles with lofty ideals my real inspiration for living is all of you. The conversations I’ve had with you about all manner of topics, conversations make me think differently and inspire me to be a better person. Whether it is about the importance of compassion and personal values; or that combining spiritual aspirations with day to day work adds greater passion to the work in our lives; or about small powerful and influential groups that shape the world we live in... It is these conversations had, often over food for aide discussion and digestion that make me think, wanting to improve myself and my situation. Wanting things that we don't have is perhaps part of human nature, and especially here in the stark contrast between rich and poor. Perhaps we have all we need in the company and discussion with those around, which could lead to a more satisfying life than on the gamble of chances... I’d love to hear examples of conversations that made you think differently.

'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and Street dwellers

 Mumbai is a city of chaotic beauty if you know where to look and have the right frame of mind. It was overwhelming as a first stop into India but I think to do it again I'd go with someone else, preferably a guy, or atleast make sure I can stay with someone I know.

Sunset on Chowpatty beach

I have now vacated the city and am settled in a small town called Aurangabad to visit the ancient caves of Ellora and Ajanta...

Final Day in the UK

I woke up with 'leaving on a midnight train to Georgia' in my mind, only its more of 'leaving on a 9pm flight to india'....!

Lots of people have been asking me if I'm excited and today all I have is calm. I have prepared all I can do and now all there is left to do is go. Its nice to feel that this is the first steps to the rest of my life. of course each big step we take can feel like that but this one, this time feels like the beginning of a journey that going to take me a decade or more to complete. Past my formative years in london, I've had 5 years in devon, 5 years in Bristol and 5 more years in London... I'd quite like to take a journey that lasts 15 and get some longevity under my belt!

So the suitacase is packed, sat in an empty room after all my things went into storage....

I am not expecting transformational change from my trip to India, I am only seeking courage of conviction. I know, and have known for several years, what I am interested in but it has taken me a long time to get the courage to take such a big step towards it, and I hope that if I only get one thing from India it is the courage and strength to continue. I am brave on the outside but still get shy sometimes inside :)

As the journey progresses I will begin to write more about my book, global values and ideas on gaining a sense of community in cities. Following next steps I have arranged to go and visit Damanhur in Italy after India to learn from their way of life and document it for my book. You could see it as my own version of Eat, Pray, Love!

Thank you to all of you who have supported, encouraged and inspired me this far... the only final words I would say are... Get Involved :) add comments, let me know how your journeys are panning out, difficulties, positives, tips... whatever you want to add, join me in the journey and get involed for yourself!

A Big Hug from a Warm and Calm Heart :)

Last couple of days before the flight

Packing up by belongings is mildy cathartic yet rather frustrating! I have, of course, more than I thought I did to fit into less space than I thought I had - wonderful!! (she said with a distinct edge of sarcasm...) However the one very interesting find was a letter that I had written but not sent to an old acquaintance. I must have been around 21 or 22. It says that I felt happiest when looking at the world as a whole, in its entirety, and that I needed to spend more time meditating and being patient.

What struck me is that I had written this before the breakdown, so even before the experience that changed my life for good I had the same ideas and the same intentions in the long run. It is possible the letter was written even before my visit to Foz Du Igazu and the peak experience.

Either way - it has taken me 7 years to get to the point of leaving. It is amazing the time it has taken to prepare for me to feel brave enough to take more active steps towards change. Am I excited - yes, am I scared - yes, do I have doubts - no.

Life as a writer

I've been sitting in limbo, wanting to but not fully trusting myself and my guiding thoughts, when I am calm, I know what I want to do - I know who I am and where I'm going. Then life kicks in, day to day routine as I've not yet finished this job and within a month I am feeling stuck, unsure and afraid. Amazing what an environment can do to you, how it can sap the motivational spark out of you despite all your best efforts. I'm often so drained in the evening I just want to relax, the get-up-and-go energy takes 2-3 days to kick back and and by then I'm back in the office again...

I remember being in Morocco on holiday this summer (NEA), feeling so relaxed and at ease, like anything was possible. Like all the dreams and ideas that I have can be realised, then sitting at the same desk, day in day out, quiet, albiet with good company and within no time I am withdrawn and unsure - fascinating :) Fascinating because I know its happening and yet almost powerless to stop it in that environment.

It got me thinking that whilst I trust that we, I and you, know whats good for us deep down there is still this environmental effect.Why is it that we so rarely trust in our own thoughts and are yet far quicker to believe in the thoughts and confirmation of others. Despite the personal reflections, thoughts, and determination it still isn't easy to walk my path and take those necessary steps towards walking in the path of best fit with the right components and right people.

This picture was taken by a friend of mine (CR) on a holiday to her home in Germany. On seeing it, I knew my next blog entry was complete.

Day 12: Reality bites and the Heart

I have been fluctuating inbetween fear or the unknown and a state of heightened senses. I know that I am making this move so that I can live happily in a way that is more natural, one where I feel more connected to what's happening to the world around me. But getting there, is like trying to clear the street of rubbish. That over the years there are all these fears, thoughts that hold me back, worries, indoctrination, expectations that clutter up the road ahead. I suppose atleast now it is a state of flux, rather than just a cluttered street.

Taking decisions and moving forward has always been the easier part, its finding the reasons and drivers to keep on the path, through the questions and doubts that gets harder. I wonder if it is easier if much of it is kept 'in the moment' where there is greater fluidity, rather than waiting when doubt creeps in.

So now, the book and the trip plans are underway. The more I focus on the path ahead, the easier it get, and again I am reminded how many people there are around me to help and support this journey. Like reading Marcus Aurelius's book Meditations, such an interesting read to think that in 160AD there was an Emperor thinking and writing about philosohpy and ethics that are still relevant today. We are not so far removed from our ancestors as we think. He discusses the idea that all humans are like one civilization, each playing a role and a function for the whole, not that we are equal but that we should respect all people in their roles. This was an interesting thought.

I have realised that when I am happy there is a sensation I get between thought and heart. At this point the thoughts in my mind are gentle and fluid, and they combine with a feeling of openess coming from my heart. It is here that I feel the most secure, that the decisions I make at this point are the best for all factors.

"No word can carry anything more potent than the intent held in the heart of who speaks it." Adrian Gilpin,

The feeling of inner security is the place where I can hear my inner voice, its the same one that berates me when I've done something stupid, or congratulates me when I have done well! It feels like it is my higher self, a version of me that has greater insight that the me that exists mostly in my body. I think that we all have two voices, one that tells us about sense, reason and logic and another that draws us to things without question, where things that are natural to you, come to the fore.


CTS Rule No 6: dont take yourself so seriously

I love the TED discussions and this is a short (25 min video) of a buddhist monk talking about the heart 

Day 9: Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

The last entry (Day 5) inspired me to begin writing the book, and I've now completed the first pages. It is more raw and honest than I anticipated as it seemed right to use my personal experiences, weaving in insight, thought and research as I experienced and understand them.

As I reflected on the Day 5 entry I was reminded of the Hyde Park Live8 Concert in 2005. While in the main arena listening to the final few songs, I was feeling so happy and so elated, when this sentence came into my mind 'My role in this world is to be a guide for the global community', it repeated a few times and stuck with me to the point that I wrote it down that night in my diary. At the time I did not know what it meant, nor how it would manifest. I was also quite intimidated by the idea that I might have a role to play on a global level. After all, I am a small person and what right did I have to think that I could do a job at that level? Why me over someone else born in a different circumstance? Questions I did not have answers for..

Now I have chosen to take steps towards a life that is more natural to me, these words have begun to take on more weight. I am still not yet sure how this will manifest or what it means exactly, but the fact that I am reminded of them tells me that they have some meaning or role to play in this upcoming journey.

After getting feedback on this blog and the book, I found out that I need to do the one thing that I am the most afraid of - talk through my personal experiences.

Fear of being judged is something that has terrified me in recent years, but yet now it seems to get the best response. Its surprising how much personal strength it takes to stay firm and keep on track even in a direction of your own determination, perhaps especially so. Even though people describe me as confident, it never stops me getting scared or unsure at times but then someone will say something to me, or I'll see something that triggers a thought telling me I am heading in the right direction, or it gives me ideas of how to overcome the latest barrier. As a testament to that, many thanks to AGD for the following quote sent earlier this week:

“You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully.”

 Anthony Robbins 

Thanks to Susan Jeffers and her book, 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' for the title!

Weekend Contemplation: The Earth we live on is Sacred

After watching the 'Whale Rider' it got me thinking about the frailty of our planet and how it important it is to express love and gratitude towards this beautiful and dynamic planet we live on. As I was sitting contemplating this I saw this book on Nomadic People called Vanishing Footprints, sitting on my coffee table. I'm not quite sure who put it there but I found this beautiful and appropriate quote by an Australian Aboriginal called Anne Pattel-Gray

Only through our spiritual connection to the earth can we continue in our own identity... In our view the earth is sacred. It is a living entity in which other living entities have origin and destiny.

It seemed like such a beautiful thing to say I wanted to give it greater voice.

The picture is from National Geographic Photo of the Day

Day 5: Its all happening quite Thick and Fast

Now my journey has begun things are flowing thick and fast. I seem to be searching and finding for more and more information and articles about the change that is taking place in our hearts and minds. This summary of the Mayan 2012 calendar gives great insight into what i am thinking and feeling at the moment. She is right. We do need to be aware, consciously aware, of the change of era that is taking place. This shift of human mentality into a global consciousness or 'global brain' is vitally important to move us forward.

The funny thing about it, and not unlike the Dan Brown books, is that the knowledge has always been here tucked away in pockets of history, like from Marcus Aurelius or Sri Aurobindo or Madame Blavatsky, it has always been here sewing the seeds for the right time to come together, knowledge from all parts of the globe from all periods in history for now.

This really makes my heart sing, reading these articles is like music to my heart. It is singing as if it is knowledge it has always known, like a familiar friend or long lost lover - something putting me so at ease I feel like I can do anything and that is all right in the world :)

Feeling so inspired by my findings of the last couple of days, I'm going to seek out sources and compile where ever I find this same knowledge from all parts of the globe and from all periods of history and build it together. Lets see what happens!

Day Three: Now I'm becoming a Nomad

So the next development is me taking steps to move from each of the day to day holds of life like rent. I wasn't sure of the direction this one was going to take but thanks to an amazing offer that I am incredibly grateful for I am about to begin my life as a nomad.

This is something that I have never done before. In the 11 years I have been living on my own I have always had a place I can call home, that one base that allows me the freedom to have people to stay, cook meals, watch films and enjoy deep conversations in personal privacy and security.

Contemplating giving this up has been a trial, thinking about all the things that we hold dear such as possessions, primal security and stability. So many different thoughts in my mind, and then I am reminded of what I said when I first left the family nest... Home is wherever I am.

Connections in India are falling into place and things continue to progress at a steady rate, each day I am becoming more and more and more settled and content to this new way of life. Long may it reign.

Day One: I Quit my Job

Ooh my goodness, I've just gone and done it - Quit My Job!!

I am finally taking steps into walking a path and life style that suits me more naturally. After flip flopping over this decision for a few weeks, it happened in an informal meeting that the right time, right conversation and right decision to leave and venture for pastures new.

I am both scared and excited!!! Not so much fear of the unknown or fear of making mistakes or wrong turns but fear of the time of recovery in having made said mistake or wrong turn. Nevertheless, here I am, Day One ready to set foot into the unknown and future.


There is something inside of me that is just says there is another way of living, a different way of life that is more natural, fitting with the earths movement and that allows me to move more harmoniously.

So I now intend to kick start this process in one of the worlds spiritual centers...India :) A 6 week trip from the Southern tip through Goa and Mumbai to Bihar in the North East. I am seeking a culture shock and increased sense of spirituality to find out if my belief in living an intuitive life is possible.... Wish Me Luck!!!!