Love and Rejection

I had a very poignant dream the other night where, among other things, I'd forgotten my passport and was later surrounded by little girls in fairy costumes. It was one of those dreams where I woke up knowing that there was a lot of important imagery and symbolism. After consulting my dream dictionary I concluded that it was a question of romantic relationships and needing to reconnect with the playful creative side of myself! The dream got under my skin and got me thinking so I followed it up with a conversation with Bruno about my feelings around being loved... I finally vocalised that whilst I feel love for myself (honest not egotistical love), and I feel love for others and the things in this world... I find it tremendously hard to receive love from others.

I suddenly understood more fully the impact of rejection I'd experienced a few years before. At the time it was devastating and then coupled to other emotions I had about not receiving love where I felt it should have been.... Then in a different part of the same conversation I had commented on how it seemed that those experiencing pain, loss and rejection often create or rather exponentially increase the feeling of rejection by their own reactions. So I applied that to my own situation and came to realise what a great indicator rejection is. When the subsequent emotions we feel are inadvertent indicators that we need to go in another direction as we keep generating and developing the unpleasant feelings. It is our own emotional negative magnet for the situation we are in. The closer together you try to push the negative forces the stronger the repel becomes... and the worse the feeling and pain of rejection becomes...

I then thought about it a step further as the key seems to be in the reactions we have towards the rejector, and precisely when we need to be calm and retreat (until we're happy or emotionally stable enough to deal with it) instead more often than not we push into it. I thought about how many times we're told to fight back, starting in the school playground.... what would happen if instead we were taught to step back and observe the situation? To step back just enough so that our emotional state can become more patient, peaceful and understanding of what we're feeling. This does not mean that we allow the other to keep up with their behaviour but merely to move away enough to detach from the situation. Enough to work out what the root cause of the problem actually is. After all, when we react to someone elses behaviour without full recognizing what is going on, we're only fighting with ourselves, its our reaction to the situation that causes the most pain.

I think back to the pain I felt at being dumped by the 'passion' of my life and I realise that I made the whole thing worse. I didn't want the relationship either, but I was blinded by his emotions instead of being awake to my own need to move away from the situation. My attachment to him had gone way above and beyond my own self preservation as at that time I tended to try to please others to get approval rather than do what was best for me. ...admirable it was not, but understandable for a young sociable leo lady.

There is a lot I have to learn about commitment without attachment and loving without need... this is not to say that I will give without receiving! but to chose those who will also give without needing to receive so that the experience is mutual. This search for a more enlightened life is ongoing, and whilst there are many things to work through and work out, the rewards that I see in being able to engage with people in more harmonious ways has already had a number of positive benefits. These include better quality relationships, more patience and understanding, and a clearer head that is no longer filled with other peoples problems just my own observations, thoughts and feelings.

Return and Go Forward

I have now returned to the UK and rather than leaving my blog on Mumbai Madness there is more to tell....

Quite simply the tourism trail was not for me. I was lured into the idea of being a tourist when I was really on a journey, an external manifestation of the changes I needed to go through internally. So going to the Ellora caves was the first step, it is a tourist site but it is also filled with interesting and good energy from the 2000 years of meditation and prayer by Buddhist, Jain and hindu monks...an amazing place. I also acquired my own local tourist guide and ended up visiting some hidden caves and swimming pools.

After this I headed straight to the Sai Baba Ashram in Puttaparthi or Prasanthi Nilayam, 'The Abode of Supreme Peace' as it is also known. This particular guru is known to me through my family as my grandfather Professor Keith Critchlow was the architect for the Specialist Hospital pictured here.

 Going to vist the Ashram where my grandfather had such an impact was really special for me. It brought me closer to both of my grandparents and I feel so thankful for their influences on my life. Needless to say I started to look forward to getting back and sharing christmas with them :)

The ashram was a hustle and bustle of people going to Darshan, praying at the various statues and visiting the shops just outside the gate. It was in a word Frenetic. Lots going on at once, people everywhere and it started to get worse as I arrived during Diwali, and Sai Baba's birthday is not long after. I met some very interesting people while I was there and learnt more about love, duality and the absolute in a week than I ever expected! Next up was a trip to see friends in Bangalore...

Bangalore was Great! It was like reconnecting with normality again. Eating in french cafes, partying in bars, take aways, movies - all the usual! It was a perfect respite before I went headlong into a 10 day silent Vipassana Mediation course which taught me, among other things, that half a bucket of hot water and a chair can become luxuries!! This course was intense and hard but very rewarding. Meditating for 10 hours a day gave me plenty of time to think through past issues, future plans and to learn to be in the moment. I felt a very strong connection with my higher self and got a much clearer view of the things I needed to do. It was a really worth while experience and allowed a lot of previously hidden emotions to be released. After this very long quiet experience, it was back to Bangalore for another relaxing weekend with hot water, chairs and comforts courtesy of the very lovely Johars :)

Heading towards my last 2 weeks there was only one place I wanted to be... GOA! Finally the beach holiday I had been waiting for! Once I had settled in my beach hut it was off to the sea. I spent the first few days in Palolem but was surprised by the number of Brits and Russians boozing on the beach. Not quite my scene, so after a good tip I hired a scooter and headed off in search of quiet company. ....Found on Agonda! the next beach over. Although it is still busier than a couple of years ago (or so i'm told) it was just what the doctor ordered.


I had many interesting conversations here, discussing paradigm shifts, new age ideas, religion, psychology, concepts & philosophy even alternative energy sources. This was a place where I felt at home and kept meeting people with news or ideas that related to conversations I'd just been having. The magic of life was in the air. Not to mention the night of shooting stars.

This really was just what I needed to conclude my journey. It was 7 weeks of what has been a 7 year journey of self discovery. It is finishing one stage of my life and beginning another. 

This one culminates with my first book: 'Hello! A Life worth Living' and the beginning of my second: 'Design for a future generation of Society'.

To make the move from one stage to another I have developed a blog for my new book:

http://helloalifeworthliving.blogspot.com/

 I do hope you will join me in continuing the journey as I would love to hear your story of discovery!